Hello dear ones,
I am sorry I have not written in awhile - I am tired. Tired in a way that makes doing certain things I love, like walking the dog or, well, writing, hard to do. I will confess to going to a wedding this weekend and it was amazing, so beautiful, so fun, and well, a little bit exhausting (my fault, I overdid it) and so to make up for it I have been sleeping. Like yesterday I took a 3 hour nap, and fell asleep at 8pm.

Here's the thing - I know my body needs rest to heal, but it is so hard. It feels a lot like laziness. To just "rest" all day long.

The other day I was skyping with handsome boyfriend's dad and he said something that had a profound impact on me. Basically, he asked me how I was doing "considering I am in a position where my primary job is to push my body as close to the edge as possible, without going over."

Now, I loved this. It's true: every three weeks I pump as much uber toxic poison into my body as possible and then try my hardest to endure terrible side effects without letting those side effects overtax my body so much that instead of bad damage, the damage that's done is only the good. It's damage, but good damage.

What I like about HBF's dad's description is that it makes me sound like a badass. "Pushing myself to the edge without going over." That sounds strong. Hardcore. Tough. Definitely not a victim. Not a weak little girl who spends all day laying around swooning and watching too much TV. I am pushing myself to my physical limits, while also balancing precariously on the edge of something dangerous. Only my will, my positive attitude, and my hyperactive germaphobia and obsessive handwashing are keeping me from toppling over to the other side.

I am a heroine.  I imagine my cells are like little praying, baldheaded little monks - letting the toxins wash over them and trying to remain unaffected while the poison kills the bad, devious, misbehaving cancer cells. Since they are both in the same temple, the can't escape the poison. And of course, they don't want to fight off or hold back the poison and keep it from coming in, because the poison is good. We, me and all my good, healthy cells, want that big, bad chemo to come in and decimate all the bad cells that aren't doing what cells are supposed to do.

So remember, I am not a victim, laying around wallowing in my bed - I am a heroine, feeding and nurturing my body so that it can strong enough to handle this. So I can push it the edge without going over.

Sending lots of love and good vibes out into the universe
xoxoxox
Dena

P.S this photo is courtesy of HBF's mama's fbook page - is it any wonder he is so amazing :)