Where is Dena?
I am so sorry I haven't written a post here in what feels like a decade but was really two weeks-ish. I have been in the midst of a transition - physical, emotional, whatever - and found it impossible to find the inspiration, energy, internet access, good vibes, and other necessary ingredients that go into these blog posts.
First, a big thank you to those of you who got cloud paint through my rep link. I know it seems like such a little thing, but for me it's not. While I packed up my whole life to move cross country, spent three days recovering from chemo sleeping on an air mattress in an empty apartment, those tiny moments made me feel like a contributing and connected member of society. Less puddle of dizziness and fatigue, more beauty/good vibes ambassador to the larger world.
Such a small thing - to be connected to the rest of the universe - and yet it can sometimes feel like I am in a comfortable pile of linen sheets cocooned, safe and wholly separated from the lives of the world around me.
There's the second thing, my feelings of aloneness and isolation as everyone in the world springs forth fecund and fertile. Beyonce is pregnant with twins. People magazine is basically 75 pages of bumps. 90% of my friends have tiny, perfect, precocious, baby geniuses who's intellect and gentle temperament is second only to their physical beauty. I just discovered that a baby dose of a blood thinner will help control the menopause induced hot flashes that wake me up dripping in sweat in the middle of the night. So at least I get more sleep than them?
I'm cranky, I'm exhausted, my chin has broken out again, and my stuff is in boxes in a truck somewhere. The stress of the move has broken Bit's potty training, as she appears to determined to mark all of her new terrain and her crate lies in pieces left behind in a fit of pique in Chicago.
I am in a bad mood.
I know it seems like it never happens. I know my brand is positive to a fault. I know after everything I've been through a few chin pimples, some piddle puddles the size of a coffee creamer, and sleeping on an air mattress for a few nights in an empty apartment shouldn't break me. But hoo boy it did. I cannot find my silver lining. Someone tell me this is a side effect of my extreme altitude sickness and will go away soon, once I finally adapt to the lack of oxygen in this new city I find myself in.
I wish I had a happy ending for you here, that I could tie this up in a little bow with a story of how I hoisted myself up by my bootstraps, did some yoga and a mask, and found my light again. On Saturday it was 75ish degrees and I got to lay in the shade outside in a bathing suit - even that wasn't enough to cut through this fug.
Sometimes you just need to be sad. Sometimes the only way out is through.
If you need me I will be binge watching Big Little Lies, which is the best show on TV right now, and hugging some puppies.