If you've spent any time on the internet you might be familiar with a meme that goes something like this; set against the dusky pale grapefruit of the now ubiquitous millenial pink, me: my life is a mess, my love life is a mess, my finances are a mess, I'm sick, I have no job... also me: I'll do a face mask, that'll fix everything.

Honestly, I hate this meme. It's a little bit too close to home for me. Set against my own pink-tinged world I've become, well, that meme. There is a point when ignoring everything else but skincare, or using skincare as a panacea for every failing thing is not really self-care. It's like putting a band-aid on a fire victim.

Acne is not the only problem in my life. It's not even the only problem in my body.

After 5 years (yes, it's been that long) and putting ALL of my energy into not totally hating myself - emotionally, but also physically -  I was tired. Bone deep tired. The kind of tired that makes impossible to get out of bed for days at a time.

So tired I stopped trying. Not willfully. Little subtle excuses. I don't feel good (true, but that never stopped you before Dena) I don't want to run into that crazy neighbor at the gym. Today I'm just going to eat this pile of candy and nothing else because I have no appetite and at least I'm getting calories.

Nobody could really tell how much I was shame spiraling, because my skin, my wrapping paper, was so. good. Shiny paper, around a box containing a broken blender. That was me.

I forgot that I need exercise - to sleep, to feel good, to manage stress. I stopped taking vitamins and supplements. Started eating processed trash.

Lo and behold, doing all of that just fed the snake its own tail. I felt even worse. It became even harder to get out of bed. I had even less energy. More stress and anxiety. Even less sleep.

I stopped taking care of myself, my WHOLE self. I became angry, recalcitrant and resistant to going to chemotherapy - creating a cloud of darkness around the whole experience that only made it more unbearable for me and the people around me.

Those closest to me, the ones who know me better than I know myself, tried to gently nudge me back.

But for a while, it was fun to be that girl. The one who just ignores the problem and relinquishes all res[ponsibility for my body to the universe. I pretended I was some sad, pitiful, creature.

I stopped recognizing myself in the mirror. I began to hate pictures of my own face.

The farther away I slid from those old habits, the harder it became to crawl back to them. The snake had spit out its own tail because it hated the taste.

Enough already.

It's time to get back on the wagon. All of it. No more binging on junk food. Way more exercise. Vitamins (thank you Ritual for sending me a bottle, I know it's probably part placebo effect, but since I started taking them three days ago I have felt SO much better. More energy. Enough energy to drag my lazy ass to the gym for the first time in, oh about eight months.)

I need to take care of the WHOLE me, not just the money maker (that's my face.)

So, I bet you're wondering how.

Here goes:

Every day I will do one minute wall squat, one minute plank, one minute of as many pushups as I can. Three minutes a day. I can do that.

I am going to take my vitamins every day.

With all the time I've been saving since the Melanie Simon Skincare Serum C replaced most of my skincare in the morning, I'm going to spend that time forgiving my body for having cancer. Forgiving my body for not having babies like I always wanted it to. Apologizing to it for being such a dick to it for the last 8 months.

I'm also going to work on rethinking my chemo day rituals to get back to a place of acceptance. I even got myself a cute new pillbox, to help ease the mental burden of being a bit chemically altered.

I've decided to switch my posting days to Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday because it seemed like a good idea.  I'm looking for more opportunities to work on projects like I did in Chicago/SF (hit me up if you want to do a creative collab!!) and of course, I am working on figuring out how to bring my Leo Oil to market.

I really hope this works, because I tried the face mask and it's just not doing it for my entire life.
Stay tuned here for all the juicy updates.